The RH John Kreepy's new twist on Dirty Politics

(Who can I credit for this?)

[The scene - a popular Antipodean cafe. Somewhere important people go. Middle-aged Kreeyp and his first wife are regulars here.]

J Kreepy: I'm bored. I'm So Booored! When is that coffee coming? Do I have to talk to my wife to pass the time? Bored, bored, bored....Oh Look! A young perky waitress. And she has hair. I like hair. I like hair a lot. Especially long silky hair in ponytails like That Hair. I'd be so not bored if I could touch that hair. How can I touch that hair?

I know! I'm a jolly important guy who's lots of fun. I bet that woman would love it if I went and played with her hair. Who wouldn't like me playing with her hair? I'm just playing, and playing is fun.

Look! I did it! I pulled her hair (not hard of course, cause I'm just playing). I was right, that was fun.

Bet she liked it as much as I did. Hope I see her again.

[The scene - the same cafe, a few days later.]

J Kreepy: This is totes my favourite cafe now. I can get coffee and play with that really fun waitress who loves it when I pull her ponytail. Oh look, there she is!

That's so cool. I pulled her ponytail again - still really fun. She looks a bit grumpy; how cute! Bet that attention from an important guy like me made her feel happier. She knows I'm only playing. Smile, honey!

[The scene - you guessed it.]

J Kreepy:  About to make my favourite girl's day again. Sorry, no, that's not you, wifey. Where's that tantalising ponytailed charmer of mine? Looking, looking...just like an Easter Egg hunt. Can't see...oh, there she is, over on the other side of the cafe. That's OK, I've got time to go over to her - she'll appreciate that I remembered our game.

Got her! Woohoo! Whoa, she looks a bit mad. She must be having a bad day with her customers.  Hey, hon, it wasn't me, it was...my wife who pulled your hair. Yeah, my wife, isn't that hilarious! Cheer up, it's not that bad. I will see YOU later. Ciao!

[The scene - I bet we're all wishing we were somewhere else by now, but no, the same cafe.]

J Kreepy:  Where's my waitress? I...I mean, my wife wants to pull her hair again. We all have such a lovely relationship - just like family! Looks like the ponytail is serving someone else. I'll just sneak up, slowly, slowly...TUG! HAHAHAHAHA! My wife loves pulling your hair and just can't stop!

Oops, my wife seems embarrassed. She says I should stop. Sweetie, where's your sense of humour? Actually, nobody really cares about having their hair pulled.

[The scene - seriously? How long can this go on in the same cafe?]

J Kreepy:  Do you think she sees me coming? Funny how she never serves us anymore. Oh well, it's a small cafe; she can't run forever, the little minx. Look, she's backed against the wall, that's quite exciting actually.  Aaaaaaand....gotcha!

Wow, what's with all the NOs? And what's security got to do with this?

Wifey says I should leave the poor girl alone? Self-righteous jealous moo. Why doesn't she grow a ponytail?

Hey, you over there, she really doesn't like me pulling her ponytail? What's that about? I'm a really nice guy and lots of fun! Everyone says so. Who do you think you are anyway?

Here, have some wine. Maybe it'll help you relax.

[Seriously, for the record and for when the headlines fade. This is the story involved. Key's hair stroking habit may very well be a fetish, but that can only be speculation. Without doubt, Key is abusing his position as a public figure to create an artificial intimacy he hopes to benefit from, in a manner which does not request permission or allow avoidance from his target.]