I am the very model of a modern vegetarian

With great thanks and apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan ('Modern Major General' from one of my favourites The Pirates of Penzance), I won a local competition a few years ago for this effort…

I am the very model of a modern vegetarian,

I once was briefly vegan and I’m dating a fruitarian

I read the veggie doctors and I quote the great nutritionists

And cheer the naughty antics of those PETA exhibitionists!

I argue meaty topics with the sceptics on the Internet

How can it be they still don’t know where all my protein comes from yet?

I tell my favourite anecdotes in my online community

And search for tasty recipes at every opportunity

(And search for tasty recipes at every oppor tuni tunity!)

And as for all those diets, I admit it only makes me groan

When I hear people quoting that infernal nonsense “In the Zone”

My fridge is full of wholesome veggie goodness; please, no carrion

I am the very model of a modern vegetarian!

I know the new four food groups and the new food veggie pyramid

I always read food labels well for those ingredients they hid

My shopping cart is full of green and leafy verdant foliage

And grains and beans and fruits we need for better health at any age

So many yummy meals and snacks, I hardly know where to begin,

I make banana smoothies mixed with wheat germ and with lecithin

Kids’ lunches are filled up with tofu sausage and with lentil sprouts,

The hummus dip that I whip up would win a contest, have no doubts

(The hummus dip that I whip up would win a contest, have no, have no doubts)

From oatmeal in the morning to my midnight snack of carrot cake

This way of life is right for me and that’s for certain - no mistake

And while I’m fully principled I’m not authoritarian

I am the very model of a modern vegetarian!

©Jessica Parsons 2007